Hellboy Hates Mary Sues
by Tabrina
Summary: Movieverse. When a new girl is invited into the B.P.R.D and is suddenly in love with Hellboy, what is he to do? She's obssessed and it's driving him and Liz crazy. HB/Liz Pairing, and a VERY one sided Mary-Sue/Hellboy. I laugh at flames :D
1. Meet Ms Sue

This fiction is purely driven by my pure hatred of Mary Sues. Now I don't mind a OC that will help a story, or doesn't have every character madly fall in love with her. Generally I'm happy to find not much of it in the fandoms I search for fan fiction in. Yet recently while searching for Hellboy, I find it riddled with Mary Sues. So here lies my humorous fan fiction in which I display my hate of Mary Sues :D (Also my love for Hellboy/Liz) I'm gonna say this takes places somewhere between Hellboy 1 and 2.

It was a nice night, for the first time in weeks, and had he been able to go outside, he may have been able to enjoy it. Being locked inside your room had it's disadvantages, and yet, also it's advantages. Being stuck inside his room meant that he had no hideous monsters in which to destroy, which meant no reason for him to in some way get cut, maimed, or any combination of the two. Which in turn meant, no reason for Abe to study said cuts, and abrasions in his morbid curiosity. Yet, with the slow week the B.P.R.D had been having, he probably would have taken that over staying in his room.

"Hey Red, dinner!" Came a voice from the door, pulling him from his musings. In his bored stupor he didn't even notice the voice had sounded much different from the usual nanny on duty that brought his food. As he hoisted himself from his bed, he felt the various muscles covered by his red skin, twinge in anger. They were easy enough to subdue as he stretched both of his hands, stone and flesh alike above his head, and away from his body. Halfway through mid-stretch he decided to take a peek at the door as he heard the latches unlock and the door begin to swing open. As he opened his mouth ready for a snide remark at whatever nanny they sent in today, his words were suddenly cut short, as there stood Liz, walking in with his tray of waffles, and bacon. Yet what surprised him the most, was not the fact that she was bringing it, but the fact that her long black locks of hair, had apparently been cut short.

"You like it?" She asked, obviously noticing his staring. As his brain tried to form words of his enjoyment of the new hairstyle, his eyes were roving over her face. He had seen her just yesterday, yet it seemed like he was seeing her for the first time in this new hairstyle. The way her hair framed her face, somehow brought to his attention the sheer sexiness of the girl before him. Not that he hadn't thought she was gorgeous before, but for some reason it was suddenly intensified. As she stood there, watching him, he was suddenly aware that he had yet to answer her simple question.

"Yeah. Wow, Liz, it looks great!" Smiling himself at the smile that came to her lips, and the slight blush that ran across her cheeks. He watched as she stepped from behind the cart of food, and began a slow walk to him. Suddenly, being cooped up in his room with a locked door didn't seem to bad.

Not two seconds after the thought ran through his head did the alarm sound off. He watched as she rolled her eyes, obviously as disheartened as he to hear that sound, and wishing the both of them could have just ignored it. Knowing of course they wouldn't be that privileged, Hellboy mumbled something sounding remotely like 'Damn monsters have the worst timing' and grabbed his jacket and gun.

Down in the briefing room they were met with Abe, already in his land gear, Manning the blow hard himself, and two other agents, ready to go.

"All right, now that everyone is finally here," Manning said looking pointedly at Hellboy. "We can start this meeting."

"Yeah yeah, get on with it. What do we have to go kill now?" Hellboy said, leaning back in his chair, and folding both arms across his chest.

"Nothing." Manning replied shortly, looking annoyed with Hellboy's attitude. Which because of Manning's answer, only got worse.

"So you called us out here for nothing?! This may be hard to comprehend but some of us have better things to do." Hellboy replied, leaning a bit on the table with his non-stone hand. All the while, under the table his tail began a trail up Liz's leg slowly. The only one of course that caught on to this happened to be Abe, who merely averted his gaze to look to Manning.

"Not nothing, you have a mission, but you aren't killing anything. There's been sightings of a strange elf wandering the streets and causing a few problems. We need to find them and investigate, as we have no record of this person." Hellboy let out an annoyed groan, and yet again leaned back in his chair.

"So then send someone else out. I don't see why we need everyone to go!" Manning begin to massage the bridge of his nose, at the point right between his eyes, as he went on.

"We need Liz to go as this elf person has the ability to create and control ice. The other two agents we sent out were frozen, and are still in the medical ward being treated for frost bite and hypothermia." Manning looked from Liz, and back to Hellboy yet again, resting his hands on the table before him. "So if you don't want to go, your welcome to stay in your room, but Liz has to go." Manning said turning his back towards the table, and throwing his hands up in exasperation. "Actually I'd prefer if you didn't go, as every time you seem to go outside there's a hundred photos of you posted all over the internet. Do you realize how much money we spend getting those back? How much time and…" Manning continued, but by this time, everyone else had already left the briefing room and were headed towards the garbage truck to leave.

As they walked toward the truck Liz gave Hellboy a slap to the arm, glaring at him. "Red, your going to get us in trouble if you keep pulling tricks like that." As if not knowing what she was talking about he playfully shrugged his shoulders smiling.

It was a short drive to where this person had been seen, and what they had determined was a place of residence. They were cautious as they began searching the area, finding nothing suspicious as of yet about the are. At least, most of them were cautious. As everyone else kept their voices low, Hellboy decided to try the more direct approach.

"Hey ice queen! We know you're here, why not come out and play!" The words very clear despite the cigar hanging from his lips. Not long after Hellboy spoke, did they hear a noise very close in distance, yet behind them all. As each and everyone of them turned, they saw the person in which they searched.

She wasn't very tall, just about the size of a normal human, and she even looked similar. The only difference between her and any normal person were the very distinctive pointed ears. Her white hair hang loosely behind her as she stared angrily at the new company with icy blue eyes. She pointed a finger in Hellboy's direction and before any of them had a chance to react, his cigar was now a popsicle between his lips.

"I don't like people who smoke." She calmly said, as her eyes scanned over the red man in front of her. As she took in his face, her heartbeat began a steady climb in beats. He was very handsome, and it had felt like she had known him all his life. For her, it was almost as if it was love at first sight. She lowered her hands, and bowed to the people before her. "I am princess Alathiel of the snow elves. My apologies if I have disturbed you."

Hellboy was un-interested in her introduction, as he walked over to Liz, and bent down a bit so he could be face to face with her, frozen cigar still in his mouth.

"Hey babe, how bout a light," he asked smugly. Without lowering her gun, which still remained pointed at the elf, she raised her other hand, the blue flames licking at her finger tips, as the ice quickly melted, and his cigar was dry, and lit once again. "Thanks babe."

"Don't call me babe." She said dryly, yet even as a smile barely tugged at her lips.

The previously calm elf princess suddenly seemed to send a frigid air towards the team, yet her face changed but a little. A frown began but she knew that if she were to have hopes of wedding this large red man, she would need to play nice.

"My apologies, but I mean no harm to anyone. I just have nowhere in which I feel safe, normal, as my people have all since died out." Abe being the only one able to read thoughts, was the only one to notice the falsehood of her statements, yet before he could speak up, one of the agents spoke up.

"Well then come back with us, you'll be safe there, and you could help us." She smiled happily as her idea was working perfectly, and nodded.

"Oh thank you, very much." As they lowered their weapons, the two agents showed the girl to the truck. As they passed, only Liz noticed the angry glare she got from this elf princess, and though no flames were showing, Hellboy could feel her heat rise. Yet when he looked to the elf princess she merely smiled at him, and continued into the truck.


	2. Delusional Wedding

This story was intended to be one-shot, and it still won't be anything huge, but it will have chapters, for size, and I don't like doing transitions. Even though this story is going to rip on Mary Sue's I'm still going to try and write it well. Also, this was all written in one sitting, so at the end, don't ask me to write more, cuz it's done K?

As they headed into the doors, one of the agents offered to show the elf princess to a room, in which for now she could stay in, until they found her something more permanent. She thanked him, but as he walked off towards the room, she did not follow, and instead followed the large red man, and the wretched girl that walked with him.

"Excuse me," she said, as she walked a bit faster to catch up with the two, as they both turned to look at her. "I was wondering if I may have a word with you, alone." She said as she looked up to Hellboy, ignoring Liz completely. Hellboy noticed the heat yet again rise with Liz, as his tail gently slid around her waist."Go ahead to my room, I'll be there in a minute." Liz nodded, as she began to walk away, only to let out a small gasp as Hellboy's tail gave her a playful smack on the ass. Once the princess was sure Liz was out of earshot she turned to Hellboy, looking up into his eyes with her own icy blue ones.

"All right, you got two minutes max, unless I got bored, then you have less." He said, crossing his arms across his chest for the second time that day. The elf princess smiled, and took a step forward, so that she was mere inches from Hellboy's body.

"I would like to inform you that I am deeply in love with you, and come two days time I will have you as my own in a wedding ceremony." Her voice was calm, and very precise, as she never faltered once. Hellboy of course merely raised his brow at her, and wasn't exactly sure if she was serious.

"Sorry lady, but I've got a girl." And with that, he turned and was about to head back to his room, when the girl spoke again.

"That girl isn't royalty. Nor is she anything special. She is merely trash that needs to be disposed of." The sound of stone grating against stone could be heard, and had she not been a girl, she probably would have been through a few walls by this time. Hellboy's tailed tip flicked in an agitated manner, as he turned to face her once more.

"Liz may not be royalty, but she's not trash. She's special to everyone at this place, and most importantly me. So I'd watch what you say about her, unless you want to have a run in with five fingered mary." Without another word he headed back towards his room, the last thing the princess saw was his tail tip, continuing its agitated flicking. She smiled, as if his words had not pierced her, and nodded.

"Two days my love, and you will be mine. I will love you, as I know you love me," she said, as she headed towards where she had seen the agent previously heading to show her to her room.

"She said what?!" Liz all but yelled, as Hellboy's cats scampered for safety under his bed. Hellboy take a seat on the edge of his bed, as he watched Liz's fire envelope her body. Grateful for the metal floor in his room as she began pacing back and forth. Her hands were balled into fists, as her flame begin to bounce, around her, ebbing in and out as if breathing. Hellboy was aware of what was to come if she didn't calm herself, and he wasn't about to let his cats get singed. Standing up and standing in her path, he wasn't surprised when she all but ran into him, apparently not paying attention to her surroundings. He gently wrapped his left hand around her small body, pulling her into a hug, as he felt her fire begin to die down.

"Easy there Sparky. I'd like to keep my cats, if you don't mind." He joked, hoping to ease the tension in the room a tad. It worked as he felt her smile against his chest.

"Sorry Red, I just got carried away." Hellboy smiled and looked down at her, placing a finger from his left hand under her chin and gently pulling her chin up so that she was looking at him.

"Well then how about I help you forget?" He smirked, and saw her eyes blaze in a different way then they had just moments ago been blazing. He then leaned down and put his lips to hers, starting out with a small chaste kiss, in which she quickly reciprocated, and then deepened.

Meanwhile Alathiel sat in her room, laying unmoving on the bed that was given to her. Her mind swam with images of her new love interest and the love they shared. Her heart went out to him as she knew that he must be miserable sharing a room with that wench, and wondered why he hadn't spoken up to anyone as to why he wished to have her removed from his room. She figured she would speak to him tomorrow about it, or perhaps as a surprise, wake him in the morning. She knew he would just be ecstatic to see her, and perhaps they could have some time alone.


	3. Ashes to Ashes

As a friend asked about the story, I'll explain to you. She's not acting like a Mary Sue in fiction normally does, but instead she's acting delusional like the people who write them. So she's delusional that Hellboy loves her, but in fact, he really doesn't. And I'm happy to say Liz finally gets her revenge on the Mary Sue writers because they always have her as a bitch, or she's just not there.

It couldn't have been any later than eight am when Hellboy was awakened by the telltale metal sounds of his door opening. He looked over a bit to see Liz resting her head on the bicep of his left arm. He heard her take a large breath and stretch her body, which was covered only by the blanket on his bed, as her eyes began to open.

"Red, what…" but her sentence was cut short, as a chill wind filled the room, and they both saw the princess standing in the doorway looking absolutely furious.

"How dare you, you, you common slut!" And with that ice began to cover the parts of Liz's skin that weren't being hidden by Hellboy's blanket. It wasn't long before Liz's entire body was engulfed in flame. As she stood up on his bed, the blanket slipped down her naked form, and Hellboy wasn't sure what to do. As he did notice the impending fire that was going to happen he quickly ushered all of his cats into his bathroom, and quickly shutting the door. As he walked back toward where the two girls were glaring daggers at each other, he couldn't help but notice Liz's naked form. The blue flames all around her the only covering she had for her nude form, and it suited her well, or so Hellboy thought.

There really wasn't anything he could do right now to help Liz, but he knew he was ready to step in if he was needed. Although he hadn't seen the full power of this elf princess, he did know that Liz was a force to be reckoned with.

"How dare you lay with my soon to be husband. My poor love was probably distraught as you forced yourself upon him!" As she yelled at Liz, ice was attempting to fly at Liz, but was easily melted before it even came close to her because of the heat she was producing and the flames around her body. Hellboy on the other hand couldn't help but chuckle at the idea of anyone forcing themselves upon him, and Liz of all people. "You will die for even daring to think of him in such a fashion!" And as she said this a huge amount of ice began hurling itself at Liz, which still was just burned up.

"Red!" Liz called, her voice sounding a little scared. Hellboy was on his feet in a moment and holding onto Liz.

"It's ok, I got you Sparky." And mere seconds after he said that, heat exploded from Liz's body. He could hear the TV's popping as they were destroyed, and he could only imagine the rest of his room was going to be torched, but at least his cat's were safe in the bathroom. He could hear the scream of the elf princess, and only for a minute smelled the rancid smell of burning flesh.

As the princess felt her skin melting off, she looked over to see Liz leaning back into Hellboy, as he held her safely in her arms, a look of pure love on his face as he looked down at Liz. Yet even as the princess died, she still had the notion in her mind, that Hellboy really did return her affection.

As the flames eventually died down, Hellboy opened his eyes again, not sure when he had shut them exactly, but looking around saw that indeed his room was singed all over, and he'd need to buy a few new things. As he looked back down into his arms, he saw Liz out cold, which was pretty normal after an episode as it drains her power, and energy. Gently cradling her to his chest, he carefully took off his jacket, trying not to disturb her too much, and wrapped it around her naked form. Then setting her on the singed bed for a moment, he put on his own pair of boxers, and yet again picked her up. Being mindful of his right, stone arm as he carried her, he opened the door to the bathroom, letting his cats out, and headed out into the main hallway. He wasn't two steps out of his room before Abe came running up to him.

"Are you both all right?" He curiously asked, as he looked from Hellboy, to Liz, and then behind them at the still slightly smoking room.

"Yeah, we're fine Blue, Ice Princess just decided to get on Sparky's bad side." And with that Hellboy walked off holding Liz in his arms, to another room. Abe stayed there, watching Hellboy's back as he walked away, the large red tail swishing lazily behind him. As they got out of range, he looked back towards Hellboy's room, he saw nothing but a bone or two that hadn't been completely burnt to ash, that was the only remains of the previous elf princess. As he stood there a moment longer looking over the ashes, he heard a far off yell from Hellboy.

"Hey Blue! Watch out! The cat's are loose!" And at that very moment, he noticed the cats, stalking their way towards him.

"Oh my."

THE END Yeah, I added a little bit of Abe humor in there. Don't worry he's fine, he simply just ran away after that. I told you this wouldn't be a very long story. Just needed to vent some frustration. I was tempted to have a very hot scene between Liz and HB but I decided to leave that for another story. So even though I know I'll probably have a couple of writers bitching at me because of this, I really don't give a crap. This isn't directed towards anyone in particular, just the people that decide they're going to make Liz a bitch, and or non-existant, and have their own character magically have HB fall in love with them. I mean Mary Sue writers can bitch and moan all they want to me about this story, but you know what? In the end I win no matter what, know why? Because Hellboy and Liz ARE together in the movie-verse, so ha. Well that's the end. Hope you all had fun, I know I did :D


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